Sephardic Custom and Law When a Close Relative Passes Away

This blog post is in memory of Isaac Bensussen, Alfred Cordova and Roza Basseri who all passed away in the last few days. I am writing this blog because when people receive sad news of the death of their loved ones, they are not always able to take in all the customs and laws of mourning. Laws, which were designed to provide comfort at the most difficult time that a person can go through. May they be studied only in the theoretical sense and may God bring Mashiach speedily in our days.

From the moment a close relative passes away until the person is buried, the loved ones (father, mother, spouse, brother, sister, son or daughter) fall into the category of aninut. This period of deep sorrowfulness is a time when the family members spend their time making the arrangements for the funeral. As such Jewish law not only exempts but forbids a person from making berachot (blessings) and doing tefillah (prayer). As such, if a person died on a Monday and was not buried till Wednesday, the close relatives would be exempt from all the tefillot until after the funeral. 

The exception to this law is during Shabbat (and festivals). If a person passes away during Shabbat, or there was not time to arrange the funeral before Shabbat the close family members are obligated in Shabbat tefillah and should attend synagogue services. The reason is that on Shabbat a person cannot make funeral arrangements. Once Shabbat is over the regular laws of aninut apply. 

There are a number of prohibitions on the onen. They may not eat meat or drink wine, shower or shave. One is also forbidden to have a haircut, have marital relations, work or even study Torah. However, they may wear leather shoes and sit on regular chairs. 

Immediately following the burial the immediate mourners recite kaddish. Children are obligated to say kaddish for their parents for 11 months stopping on the 11 month meldatho. They then stop for a month and then say kaddish on the 12 month meldatho and continue for a month.  

For all other relatives kaddish is recited for 30 days. However, many in our community have the custom to say kaddish for the year for all close relatives.

Following the burial, the close relatives become avelim - mourners. Our custom is to recite the beracha Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet - Blessed is The True Judge and the avel - mourner tears his/her clothes. This is called Keriah. Although there are different customs I shall write how it is codified in Jewish Law. For parents we tear on the left side, opposite the heart. For other relatives we tear on the right side. The outer garment should be torn and not the inner garment. For parents some have the custom to tear all the clothes including the undershirts. It is permitted for the mourner to change clothes to something that he/she is comfortable to tear. Care must be taken to preserve a woman's modesty when the tearing is done.

Following the keriah, the mourners are provided with their first meal - The Seudat Havra'ah. Jewish Law states that this meal cannot be made by the family and is traditionally made by friends. In our community, the brotherhood and synagogues provide the first meal. This meal consists of round foods such as hard boiled eggs, bread rolls and olives. Lentils are eaten in other communities. Some have the custom to drink wine at this meal. The idea of the round foods represents the circle of life events and our hope that the mourners will have happier life cycle events such as births and marriages. Following this meal and during all meals during the first week of mourning there is a special Birkat Hamazon - which contains passages of consolation, the coming of Mashiach and the rebuilding of Temple in Jerusalem.

The week of shiva or siete has the following laws and customs. Ideally services take place in either the house of the deceased or the house of the mourners. Some prefer to have all the services at the synagogue, while others prefer a combination. With the exception of the mourners going to synagogue the mourners should remain at home. The idea is that friends and family come to give comfort to the mourners. The community comes to the family at their most difficult time, rather than the usual practice of the individual coming to the community. It is our way to pay our respects to the one who has passed and to the mourners. 

The most common practices are that the mourner sits on a low seat and does not wear leather shoes. For those sitting shiva who are advanced in years or ill or pregnant do not have to sit on a low chair. Strictly speaking a mourner should not sleep on a bed but many rely on the leniency that we are all like ill people and sleep on a bed. A mourner is also forbidden to shave/have a haircut, have marital relations or wash/bathe. We do not greet mourners, nor do we start conversation with them until they initiate conversation. Mourners are forbidden to learn Torah as Torah gladdens the heart. During shiva a mourner is also forbidden to work. 

During the Shabbat of the week of mourning the mourners come to the synagogue. It is our custom that the mourner sits facing the congregation and friends come and sit with the mourner. I do not know the source for this custom, indeed on Shabbat we are not supposed to do any outward signs of mourning, but many have told me how they find this custom one of the most comforting of all of our mourning practices. At this Shabbat service a friend of the family or a relative of the mourners who is not himself a mourner is called to the Torah and the whole congregation rises for the memorial prayer.

On the last day of the siete, the mourning ends after morning prayers. Following the conclusion of the first week of mourning the mourners are permitted to shower/bathe, wear leather shoes, greet people in the normal way and learn Torah. The male mourners are still forbidden to shave or have a hair cut until the month of mourning is over. In a pressing need such as for work the mourner may shave but only if he feels his job is in danger. Female mourners may have a haircut but cannot wear makeup until the end of the 30 day period. 

Meldathos - Following the end of the 7 day period and the end of the sheloshim - the first 30 days the family and friends read mishnayot and give words of Torah in memory of their dearly departed loved ones. Our custom is to have meldathos on the 7th, 9th and 11th month as well as on the 12th month - the anyo. All of these meldathos are commemorated from the day of burial. All future meldathos are commemorated on the day the person passed away.

For a more detailed account of our mourning practices please read "A Time To Weep - A Guide to Bereavment Based on the Customs of the Seattle Sephardic Community" For any personal questions please feel free to contact me. May all our mourning practices, customs and laws grant comfort to those in mourning. 

Preparing for Tisha B'Av

I'm calling this blog post preparing for Tisha B'Av because the mourning customs we have leading up to the fast day are all designed to prepare us for the intensity of the day. Without preparation a person can struggle to really feel the significance and poignancy of the day.

In just over 3 weeks we will commemorate Tisha B'av when we will mourn the destruction of our two holy temples and every Jewish tragedy that has befallen our people from the sin of the spies to the holocaust. There is no other day like Tisha B'Av. At the same time it is hard to feel a personal tragedy for the destruction of the 2nd temple that happened almost 2000 years ago. This is something our rabbis understood very well and as such they instituted a number of mourning customs to lead up to this sobering day.

The customs of different Jewish communities vary, I will try and concentrate on the main ones and explain them a little bit. 

There are four stages of mourning. The first stage is the 17th of Tammuz till Rosh Hodesh. In this period Sephardim don't listen to music or wear new clothes or say the blessing of Shehecheyanu on a new fruit except on Shabbat. When it comes to buying new things the general rule is it is forbidden unless the sale is an unusually great sale. Then the purchase can be bought and used after Tisha B'Av. Likewise for major purchases like a car or a house, one should avoid the purchase unless the availability will vanish if delayed. Such purchases should not be used till after Tisha B'Av

The next period of mourning intensity is from Rosh Hodesh Av till Shabbat. The third period is called Shevua Shechal Bo - the week that Tisha B'Av falls. (E.g. if Tisha B'Av falls on a Monday night/Tuesday then Shevua Shechal Bo is from Saturday night until midday the day after the fast.) Finally we have the most severe mourning customs on Tisha B'Av itself. Generally speaking the Sephardic customs are more lenient than for Ashkenazim. 


Starting on Rosh Hodesh and including Rosh Hodesh Jews from Turkey, as well as Ashkenazim have the custom to abstain from meat (including chicken) and wine until the 10th of Av. The exception being on Shabbat when we eat meat to the same level that we would on a regular Shabbat. Other Sephardic communities including many from Rhodes refrain from meat from the 2nd of Av till the 10th. When it comes to drinking the wine/grape juice after havdallah, Ashkenazim give the cup to a child whereas for us we follow Rabbi Yosef Caro and drink it ourselves.

Shevuah Shechal Bo
Starting from Saturday night, Sephardic men refrain from haircuts and shaving. (Some follow the custom of our Ashkenazic brothers and do not have haircuts for the entire three week period from the 17th of Tammuz.) We do not do any laundry, we only take cold showers, we only change our undergarments or any clothes that are soiled. We also aren't allowed to go swimming for pleasure (and most people don't have swimming lessons either since they can be fun too).

This year since Tisha B'Av is nidche (pushed off) to Sunday. Many halachic authorities do not consider there a need to have a Shevuah Shechal Bo at all. As such it is permitted to do laundry and shower and even to swim. Most people are strict and avoid having haircuts. 

Erev Tisha B'Av
The day before Tisha B'Av we continue to learn Torah until sunset. (Ashkenazim stop learning regular Torah portions at midday.) After this time we are only allowed to learn Torah that is upsetting such as reading Eicha - The book of Lamentations describing the destruction of the First Temple, Sefe Iyov - The Book of Job, Sections from the prophet Jeremiah, Sections from the Talmud dealing with the destruction of the First and Second Temples and Kinot - poems about Jewish tragedies throughout the ages.

On Erev Tisha B'Av we have a Seudah Hamafseket. This is the last meal before the fast. The meal should consist of only one cooked dish. Two foods that are normally cooked together are considered one dish. So for example a dish of egg and lentils would be ok to eat. One can also eat bread with this meal too. My practice, has been to have a normal pre fast meal a few hours before the fast. Then just before the fast I have a piece of toast and I sit on the floor and think of the destruction. 

This year (2016) since erev Tisha B'Av is on Shabbat none of these laws apply and we treat the day like a regular Shabbat just. However, one must be careful to finish Seudah Shelishit before the fast starts. Please note that the fast begins before Shabbat ends. 

Tisha B'Av
Apart from learning Torah that makes us happy there are five things which are prohibited on Tisha B’av. Eating and drinking, washing, rubbing one’s body with oils or lotions, wearing leather shoes, and marital relations. Although not strictly forbidden, it is strongly recommended to take the day off on Tisha B'Av or at least not to work until halachic midday (1:15pm). Since we are all considered mourners on this day, we do not greet each other.

Ladies who have given birth within 30 days are exempt from the fast. Similarly, anyone who has a serious illness or would become ill from fasting is exempt.

The liturgy on Tisha B'Av is very powerful and the tunes are very moving. Although one isn't supposed to enjoy the tunes on Tisha B'Av, my grandfather of blessed memory would love to hum the melodies of Tisha B'Av throughout the year. One of the powerful kinot contrasts the festival of Pesach with Tisha B'Av using the famous "Ma Nishtana - Why is this night different from all other nights?"

On Tisha B'Av night the lights are dimmed low, or tea lights are used. We sit on the floor and read Eicha - The book of lamentations. On Tisha B'Av day we don't wear talet and tefillin in the synagogue and we continue to sit on the floor. (Some Sephardim have the custom to wear them privately at home before coming to services but that is not the SBH minhag). We again read Eicha and more sad kinot. After midday we are allowed to sit on regular seats and at minha we wear talet and tefillin. Since we are forbidden to learn Torah on Tisha B'Av, if one learns daily, that learning should be done either the day before or the day after Tisha B'Av. Tehillim may be recited on Tisha B'Av itself but only after halachic midday (1:15pm).

The mourning practices are in reverse to those of a loved one. Instead of most intense to least intense, we go from least to most. The idea being that we must prepare ourselves for it. If we were to go straight into the strict mourning of Tisha B'Av without the three weeks of preparations we would struggle to find meaning. Instead we build up gradually. As we do that this year let us work on our mitzvah observance and the way we interact with others. May Hashem grant peace in Israel.

When the fast finishes, one should still not eat meat or drink wine until Midday the following day. The reason being that when the Second Temple was destroyed it continued burning for much of the 10th of Av. Other restrictions such as showering and shaving etc. are permitted from the end of the fast. (Ashkenazim wait until midday for those too).

This year (2016) since we commemorate Tisha B'Av on the 10th, one does not need to wait until midday of the next day.

Tattoos, Cremations and Jewish Funerals

As always, I like to sneak football (soccer) into my conversations and the occasional sermon so this time I thought I would mention it in one of my blogs. I've never been a fan of tattoos but I really don't like all the players at the World Cup completely covered with tattoos. I've always found them off putting and I think our young can be easily influenced into wanting to have them. I would say 25 years ago tattoos were not a common site but today 40% of Americans aged 25 to 40 have tattoos (according to a Pew Research Study). 

So is there a problem with tattoos? The Torah (Vayikra 19:28) states "You shall not etch a tattoo on yourselves. I am the Lord." Rashi (ibid) notes that a tattoo is defined as "sunken never to be erased, for one etches it with a needle, and it remains permanently black." Therefore temporary tattoos or henna tattoos do not form any prohibition as the paint erases after a period of time. 

All that being said there is perhaps one of the biggest babajadas (Ladino for old wives' tale or in the Yiddish bubba meise) out there is that a person with a tattoo cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Although as I have outlined it is a Torah prohibition, nevertheless a Jewish person will still be buried in the Jewish cemetery. Now that doesn't mean everyone should go out and get tattoos!

What isn't well known is the huge problem of Jewish people opting for cremations. Cremations are becoming more popular as the cost of burial is driving people to seek cheaper alternatives. However, halachically speaking it is probably up their as one of the biggest transgressions. Just as we are forbidden from taking our own lives or hastening our end so too we are forbidden to desecrate our bodies by having them cremated.

Hashem tells  Adam (Bereshit 3:19) "You will return to the ground, for it was from the ground that you were taken". 

Rabbi Maurice Lamm writes (The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning pp 56-57) "cremation is never permitted. The deceased must be interred, bodily, in the earth. It is forbidden - in every and any circumstance - to reduce the dead to ash in a crematorium. It is an offensive act, for it does violence to the spirit and letter of the Jewish Law...

1.Even if the deceased willed cremation, his wishes must be ignored in order to observe the will of our Father in Heaven. Biblical law takes precedence over the instructions of the deceased. 

2.Cremated ashes may not be buried in a Jewish cemetery...

3. Jewish law requires no mourning for the cremated. Shiva is not observed and kaddish is not recited for them. Those who are cremated are considered by tradition to have abandoned, unalterably, all of Jewish law and, therefore, to have surrendered their rights to posthumous honor."

Why does Rabbi Lamm write so sternly that one cannot even say kaddish for them? That they have abandoned Jewish Law? The answer I think lies with the fact that the act of willful cremation is a denial of one of our cornerstone beliefs of Techiyat HaMetim - The Resurrection of the Dead at the coming of Mashiach. By cremating oneself one is stating that they deny this belief and therefore they are set aside to not be included.

All that I have written so far is with willful cremation. This does not include the 6 million Jews who were murdered by the Nazis during the Holocaust. They did not choose their fate and they are obviously not held accountable for that. Far from it they are on the highest spiritual level of anyone who has lived. For those who aren't interested in halachic concerns some use the Holocaust to not disgrace the memory of our people who were killed through the crematoriums. 

There are many more details on this topic and I have merely touched the surface. For further information online please visit the following Chabad Article. This situation is becoming so severe it was mentioned at the recent Rabbinic Council of America Convention. There it was mentioned that at least 1 in 3 Jews are choosing cremation. Please use the information in this blog to encourage people to plan for a traditional Jewish funeral.

Sephardic Practices During the Omer

A lot of people have been asking me to write a blog about Sephardic practices during the omer. 

But before I do that I think it is important to talk about the original point of the omer period. Originally the Jewish people were commanded to count from the day after leaving Egypt (the 2nd day of Pesah) to the day that they received the Torah (Shavuot). The 49 days in between were supposed to be a happy time and a spiritually uplifting one too. As we went from being physically free from Egypt to the ultimate goal of receiving the Torah from God on Mount Sinai. 

We still count the Omer and look forward to Shavuot but how did it become a time of semi-mourning? The Talmud (Yevamot 62b) tells us that Rabbi Akiva had 12,000 pairs of students and all of them died in one period of time because they did not conduct themselves with respect towards one another. They all died between Pesah and Shavuot. 

Rav Yosef Caro (O.H. 493:1) writes that we have become accustomed for the first 33 days of the omer not to have weddings because of the students of Rabbi Akiva who died, however it is permitted to get engaged. In the very next paragraph (O.H. 493:2) he writes that haircuts are forbidden until the 34th day of the omer in the morning since that is when the students stopped dying. 

Rav Moshe Isserles notes (O.H. 493:2) that the Ashkenazic practice is to permit haircuts on the 33rd night which means Ashkenazim can have haircuts about a day and a half before Sephardim. He also adds that if there is Berit Milah the father of the baby, the sandak and the mohel can all have haircuts for the occasion. Rav Ovadiah Yosef notes that women are not included in the custom of abstaining from haircuts but if they wish they can be strict on themselves and refrain from haircuts. 

Shaving is not explicitly mentioned in the Shulkhan Arukh but it is implied with the hair cutting. Rav Ovadiah Yosef writes those who are truly God fearing customarily abstain from shaving their beard during the Omer period as well. However, there are those who rule leniently for individuals who are truly distressed as a result of not shaving their beard, for the Radbaz writes regarding such matters which are not actual obligations as a result of an edict of our Sages and is merely a custom, in a case of such distress, there is room for leniency. Nevertheless, it is indeed correct and proper to follow this custom which was observed by our ancestors for many generations with regards to refraining from shaving one’s beard during the Omer period.

I don't shave until the 34th day of the omer (except for before Yom Ha'azmaut but I'll write more about that next week.) Many people rely on a leniency to shave for work as they cannot look scruffy which is certainly permitted. Others follow the custom to shave every Friday evening in honor of Shabbat. When it comes to trimming a beard and mustache, if it interferes with eating it is permitted and if it becomes very uncomfortable there is room to be lenient. I was also asked about a man dyeing his hair during the omer and that one is worthy of its own blog piece so I will wait on that one. But the question is more if a man can dye his hair at all.

During this period it is customary to avoid listening to live music like going to concerts. Some halakhic decisors include recorded music as being forbidden too, but I have always acted leniently on this matter. Live music is permitted on Lag La'omer itself (more to come on this event too). 

We are also accustomed not to wear any new clothes that require a shehekheyanu berakha. So a new undershirt can be worn during this period without concern. Similarly shoes made of leather can do not get a shehekheyanu so they could be worn in this time period too but preferably should wear them for Shabbat. Otherwise new items should be avoided during this time. 

During this time period of semi-mourning we should use it to work on our relationships and try and treat all of those around us with honor and dignity at all times.