Sephardic Custom and Law When a Close Relative Passes Away

This blog post is in memory of Isaac Bensussen, Alfred Cordova and Roza Basseri who all passed away in the last few days. I am writing this blog because when people receive sad news of the death of their loved ones, they are not always able to take in all the customs and laws of mourning. Laws, which were designed to provide comfort at the most difficult time that a person can go through. May they be studied only in the theoretical sense and may God bring Mashiach speedily in our days.

From the moment a close relative passes away until the person is buried, the loved ones (father, mother, spouse, brother, sister, son or daughter) fall into the category of aninut. This period of deep sorrowfulness is a time when the family members spend their time making the arrangements for the funeral. As such Jewish law not only exempts but forbids a person from making berachot (blessings) and doing tefillah (prayer). As such, if a person died on a Monday and was not buried till Wednesday, the close relatives would be exempt from all the tefillot until after the funeral. 

The exception to this law is during Shabbat (and festivals). If a person passes away during Shabbat, or there was not time to arrange the funeral before Shabbat the close family members are obligated in Shabbat tefillah and should attend synagogue services. The reason is that on Shabbat a person cannot make funeral arrangements. Once Shabbat is over the regular laws of aninut apply. 

There are a number of prohibitions on the onen. They may not eat meat or drink wine, shower or shave. One is also forbidden to have a haircut, have marital relations, work or even study Torah. However, they may wear leather shoes and sit on regular chairs. 

Immediately following the burial the immediate mourners recite kaddish. Children are obligated to say kaddish for their parents for 11 months stopping on the 11 month meldatho. They then stop for a month and then say kaddish on the 12 month meldatho and continue for a month.  

For all other relatives kaddish is recited for 30 days. However, many in our community have the custom to say kaddish for the year for all close relatives.

Following the burial, the close relatives become avelim - mourners. Our custom is to recite the beracha Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet - Blessed is The True Judge and the avel - mourner tears his/her clothes. This is called Keriah. Although there are different customs I shall write how it is codified in Jewish Law. For parents we tear on the left side, opposite the heart. For other relatives we tear on the right side. The outer garment should be torn and not the inner garment. For parents some have the custom to tear all the clothes including the undershirts. It is permitted for the mourner to change clothes to something that he/she is comfortable to tear. Care must be taken to preserve a woman's modesty when the tearing is done.

Following the keriah, the mourners are provided with their first meal - The Seudat Havra'ah. Jewish Law states that this meal cannot be made by the family and is traditionally made by friends. In our community, the brotherhood and synagogues provide the first meal. This meal consists of round foods such as hard boiled eggs, bread rolls and olives. Lentils are eaten in other communities. Some have the custom to drink wine at this meal. The idea of the round foods represents the circle of life events and our hope that the mourners will have happier life cycle events such as births and marriages. Following this meal and during all meals during the first week of mourning there is a special Birkat Hamazon - which contains passages of consolation, the coming of Mashiach and the rebuilding of Temple in Jerusalem.

The week of shiva or siete has the following laws and customs. Ideally services take place in either the house of the deceased or the house of the mourners. Some prefer to have all the services at the synagogue, while others prefer a combination. With the exception of the mourners going to synagogue the mourners should remain at home. The idea is that friends and family come to give comfort to the mourners. The community comes to the family at their most difficult time, rather than the usual practice of the individual coming to the community. It is our way to pay our respects to the one who has passed and to the mourners. 

The most common practices are that the mourner sits on a low seat and does not wear leather shoes. For those sitting shiva who are advanced in years or ill or pregnant do not have to sit on a low chair. Strictly speaking a mourner should not sleep on a bed but many rely on the leniency that we are all like ill people and sleep on a bed. A mourner is also forbidden to shave/have a haircut, have marital relations or wash/bathe. We do not greet mourners, nor do we start conversation with them until they initiate conversation. Mourners are forbidden to learn Torah as Torah gladdens the heart. During shiva a mourner is also forbidden to work. 

During the Shabbat of the week of mourning the mourners come to the synagogue. It is our custom that the mourner sits facing the congregation and friends come and sit with the mourner. I do not know the source for this custom, indeed on Shabbat we are not supposed to do any outward signs of mourning, but many have told me how they find this custom one of the most comforting of all of our mourning practices. At this Shabbat service a friend of the family or a relative of the mourners who is not himself a mourner is called to the Torah and the whole congregation rises for the memorial prayer.

On the last day of the siete, the mourning ends after morning prayers. Following the conclusion of the first week of mourning the mourners are permitted to shower/bathe, wear leather shoes, greet people in the normal way and learn Torah. The male mourners are still forbidden to shave or have a hair cut until the month of mourning is over. In a pressing need such as for work the mourner may shave but only if he feels his job is in danger. Female mourners may have a haircut but cannot wear makeup until the end of the 30 day period. 

Meldathos - Following the end of the 7 day period and the end of the sheloshim - the first 30 days the family and friends read mishnayot and give words of Torah in memory of their dearly departed loved ones. Our custom is to have meldathos on the 7th, 9th and 11th month as well as on the 12th month - the anyo. All of these meldathos are commemorated from the day of burial. All future meldathos are commemorated on the day the person passed away.

For a more detailed account of our mourning practices please read "A Time To Weep - A Guide to Bereavment Based on the Customs of the Seattle Sephardic Community" For any personal questions please feel free to contact me. May all our mourning practices, customs and laws grant comfort to those in mourning. 

Can we still learn from Disgraced Rabbis?

I received many comments about my last email on Halloween celebrations. Some said I shouldn't have said it was forbidden just not recommended. But the vast majority of comments were focused on the fact that I quoted Rabbi Broyde as my source. To paraphrase the comments they went something like this. "How can a Rabbi who has been disgraced still be used for halachic rulings? It would be better to quote other Rabbis or at the very least to give a disclaimer of his past deeds."

I decided after talking and emailing with those who made comments that I should write a blog on the permissibility or validity of quoting disgraced Rabbis in halakhic rulings. And even if it is technically ok, is it appropriate to do so? Furthermore, should we continue to learn from their many articles and books?

Before jumping into this question I want to add a further layer to this discussion. To what extent does one's actions at the end of a person's life change forever their legacy. Using an example from the last couple of weeks. Noach is described at first as a righteous man, perfect in his generation, who walked with God. He and his family were saved from the flood and from his family mankind would start all over again. This we all know well. 

However, at the end of the Torah portion, there is a less known section when Noach post flood, plants a vineyard, makes wine and gets drunk. In many ways this could be explained as Noach being depressed and melancholy after the flood for having not saved the world. He then curses one of his children and one of his grandchildren and blesses the rest. This is the last we hear of Noach. Despite living at the same time as Avraham. (Noach was still alive when Avraham was 58). The Torah does not recount a discussion between Avraham and Noach. Could it be that post flood, Noach was no longer the great man?  Or could it be that Avraham would not wish to seek out the man chosen to save the world? Could it be that Noach was now notorious?!

I want to start by discussing two famous personalities of the Talmud Rabbi Meir and his teacher Elisha Ben Avuya/Acher. The following is based on a piece of aggadah from Masekhet Hagiga. Acher was a great Torah scholar, who along with three other great Rabbis entered Paradise. 

"Four men entered the pardes — Ben Azzai, Ben Zoma, Acher, and Akiva. Ben Azzai looked and died; Ben Zoma looked and went mad; Acher destroyed the plants; Akiva entered in peace and departed in peace."

This piece of Aggadah which is not to be understood literally, teaches us a couple of important things. First, there are many things beyond human understanding, even great Rabbis cannot understand all of God's ways. Second, Acher found what he saw/what he understood to be very troubling. As a result of this Acher decided to depart from a Torah observant lifestyle. However, his great disciple, Rabbi Meir continued to learn with Acher long after he turned away from God.

The Talmud asks "But how did R. Meir learn Torah at the mouth of Acher? ... R. Dimi said: In the West, they say: R. Meir ate the date and threw the kernel away. Rava expounded: What is the meaning of the verse: I went down to the garden of nuts, to look at the green plants of the valley? Why are the scholars likened to the nut? To tell you that just as in the case of the nut, though it be spoiled with mud and filth, yet its contents are not sullied, so in the case of a scholar, although he may have sinned, yet his Torah remains unsullied."

Although a regular person would struggle to learn from a person like Acher and realise what is Torah and what is not, Rabbi Meir was able to discern the good from the bad. From Rabbi Meir we could possibly conclude the following, I can still learn the writings of these disgraced Rabbis because I can figure out what is clear, unsullied Torah thought from the shortcomings of these Rabbis.  Indeed, Elisha Ben Avuya makes it into Pirkei Avot - a book of our ethical teachings. Without any disclaimers of his appropriateness to learn from. (See Chapter 4 Mishna 20)

Another thing to think about is, in what way did the Rabbi become disgraced? Was it stealing from the discretionary fund or creating online pseudonyms? Is it plagiarizing other Rabbinic works or is it taking advantage of vulnerable members of one's congregation? Are there many incidents or is it just a couple? 

We have seen a few incidents in recent years of highly regarded modern Orthodox rabbis being discredited. The question that is relevant is whether the problem that the particular Rabbi had casts a shadow on his writings. Does one's past deeds invalidate his past rulings?

If we were to say yes, wouldn't that bring into question all the conversions that these Rabbis were involved in?! The very fact that Rabbi Gedalia Dov Schwartz made a public ruling that all previous conversions that were conducted while Rabbi Freundel was the head of the Beit Din in Washington DC are still valid and do not require a second conversion shows that Rabbi Schwartz believes that one's halachic mind is separate from one's misdeeds. I.e. that despite Rabbi Freundel's deplorable behavior over a number of years, while he was acting as a dayan for conversion that was done properly. 

Finally, to the question of should one study from and promote teachings from disgraced Rabbis, I can well understand the position that their positions can be relied upon but that we should not go out of way to bring them as the only sources on a particular topic. With regard to me bringing Rabbi Broyde's ruling on Halloween, at that moment of writing my email I was only aware of his ruling. Had I been aware of other prominent positions I would have brought them instead. 

I know I haven't delved into this completely, but I welcome your comments and positions at the bottom of this piece to develop some of these ideas. I also saw an excellent source sheet by Rabbi Josh Yuter on this topic which can be read here.

How Does Conversion Work and How Should We Treat Potential Converts?

How does a person convert to Orthodox Judaism and how should we treat people in our community who wish to convert to Judaism? To what extent should we welcome them/discourage them? 

These are not easy questions and I don't believe that there is only one way to address them. However, I do understand that they are questions that members in our community talk about and would like direction on. First and foremost, we should treat every human being with total respect and kindness as each person whether they choose to convert to Judaism or not are created in God's image and we are morally obligated to treat them with sensitivity and kindness. 

To what extent should we welcome people in to our community who wish to convert? That is a hard one to answer. We have a tradition of discouraging potential converts at the early stages. We need to point out to them (not that it isn't obvious) that being Jewish isn't easy. Apart from the myriad of laws to keep, throughout history Antisemitism has been the hardest thing for us Jews to live with. Whether that Antisemitism is openly displayed or whether it is done in a more veiled manner. 

Secondly, we should try and turn them down when they show a desire or interest in conversion. My style has always been to be polite but at the same time not too engaging until the individual, couple or family has proven themselves that they are in this for the long haul. Once that has been established I will decide whether I will take on a candidate for sponsoring. I will do thorough background checks on individuals as it is important to know who you are about to invest so much time in to. Then I will review with them just how difficult it is to convert and how much will be expected of them. Converting to Judaism is not just passing a few courses in college, rather it is a complete transformation of the individual which requires great dedication and commitment. 

When I have accepted candidates, I will invite them to my house for Shabbat meals. Once I have decided that they are ready, I ask a few other community members to invite them for Shabbat meals. When I get a sense that a candidate is ready, I will bring them to the Vaad for the first time. Being ready is a loose term but basically the fundamental prerequisites would be living in the community, keeping Shabbat (while breaking Shabbat once) and keeping kosher. Then the Rabbis will ask questions of the candidate. If they are satisfied the candidate will be accepted as an official candidate of the Vaad. 

Once a candidate is accepted by the Vaad, the candidates can send their children to the Jewish schools, at that stage I will let the hospitality committee know that such candidates can be invited by the broader community for Shabbat and Yom Tov meals.

I remember last Pesach, being surprised when I was trying to organize meals for people in the conversion program that certain families would not entertain such candidates because they had not converted yet. The families were referring to a halacha that only Jews can be invited for Yom Tov meals. While it is true that a convert only becomes halachically Jewish at the end of the process, they require firsthand knowledge of Jewish practice. One cannot read about a Seder rather one must experience it to know what it really feels like. This position is supported by many Rabbis today, although it should be noted that other Rabbis hold a more strict application of the halakha. 

I noted above that a potential convert is not allowed to keep Shabbat 100%. They must break Shabbat once. That is because Shabbat is a special mitzvah just for the Jewish People. It is a special sign between God and us. However, since candidates will one day keep Shabbat fully, we do not wish them to be accustomed to breaking Shabbat many times. So they do something to break Shabbat just once. In the case where Shabbat needs to broken and there is a potential candidate available, they can be asked to assist. However, we cannot and must not treat potential gerim as non-Jews who are there to be Shabbat Goyim. Known colloquially as a Shabbas goy. If one knows that they need assistance on Shabbat to do prohibited work, they must make arrangements before Shabbat with a non-Jew and not someone who is in the process of converting.

There are many books and subjects that a potential convert needs to study. They need to know the fundamentals of keeping a kosher home, the laws of Shabbat and Yom Tov, Family purity laws, knowledge of the Holidays and a degree of fluency of Hebrew reading. However, as I have said earlier, it isn't just about passing courses. There needs to be understanding of the sponsoring rabbi and the other Rabbis of the Vaad that such a candidate is ready. As such conversion times vary from case to case. But roughly it should take around two years for most candidates to complete an Orthodox conversion.

Laws of Mourning when someone passes away during Sukkot

The mourning practices we follow can be very comforting for a family at the very difficult time of the loss of a relative. However, there are times in the Jewish calendar where mourning practices are abridged or delayed. For example if a person passes away the day before one of the Jewish Festivals, the seven day mourning period known as shiva is cut short by the Yom Tov. This is because the collective joy of the holiday cannot coexist with any type of mourning. This unique halakha makes sense logically but can be very difficult for the mourners as they can feel cheated by not having the ability to sit shiva properly.

The following laws I am about to explain are for the situation when a person passes away either on Yom Tov or during Hol HaMoed (the intermediate days of the holiday). The following laws have been compiled for the Babani family and are written L'ilui Nishmat Sara Bat Esther Babani who passed away Shabbat Hol HaMoed Sukkot.

When a person passes away on the holiday the mourning laws are very different. The normal breakdown are the laws of the onen - for family members before their loved one is buried, the shiva - the seven day period following the burial of their loved one, the sheloshim - the 30 day period following the funeral and finally the laws of the year following the burial of a loved one.

Sara's children and sisters fell into a category of mourning called aninut - which means being in a period of intense grief where they are exempt from tefillah or making berakhot. They are also forbidden to eat meat or wine. The reason they are exempt from tefillah is because the close family members are too busy making funeral arrangements. However, on Shabbat these laws do not apply because no arrangements can be made. The children remain in aninut until Sara is buried on Monday morning.

Since Sara is being buried on Hol HaMoed Sukkot, a time of great joy for the Jewish people, Jewish Law states that eulogies are forbidden. The reason given that the point of the eulogy is to make the extended family and friends sad and feel a part of the grief that Sara's children will be going through. Since this is not appropriate on Hol HaMoed no eulogies will be made. Instead a short sketch of her life and some comments of her good character traits will be made. (Some time later in the year, proper eulogies can be given.)

The burial takes place as for any other burial and the children begin to say kaddish from the funeral. Where the big changes start is after burial. The family cannot sit shiva until after the Shabbat after Simchat Torah. Keriah - the tearing of the clothes still takes place after the funeral and is done at home. But the shirt that is torn is taken off immediately and is put away until the mourning can take place at the conclusion of Simchat Torah. The mourners still have the seudat havra'ah but instead of eggs, olives, raisins and rolls they are given cookies. Instead of eating the meal on the floor or on low chairs they eat the meal at the table. 

Ashkenazim, follow the position of the Rama that states that no public displays of mourning can be done during Hol HaMoed. So their practice is to do keriah after Yom Tov followed by the meal for mourners. But they do say Barukh Dayan HaEmet following the burial.

Friends can come and visit the family members during the rest of Hol HaMoed and Yom Tov but they should also make sure to visit the family members during the actual shiva after the holiday.

Although publicly the shiva does not start until after Yom Tov concludes, the last day of Yom Tov, in our case Simhat Torah is considered the first day of the shiva. Throughout Hol HaMoed the family may eat festive food and wear nice clothes and sit on regular chairs. They may show no outward signs of mourning. However, private signs of mourning must be kept.

May God comfort the Babani Family and remove death from the world. 

Is a Pitomless Etrog Kosher?

Is a pitomless etrog kosher? If it is kosher is it better or worse than an etrog with a pitom? These are a couple of the questions I was asked yesterday. Other than the more normal Sukkot questions of do I need to cut those branches hanging over my sukkah, and is this lulav kosher?

So what is a pitomless etrog? Look at the diagram on the left. The pitom, is the tip of the etrog. The pitom is extremely fragile, if it were to break off during the first two days of Sukkot, the etrog is not fit to make the beracha over. It has been known for the pitom to break off especially families with small children! 

As such great efforts have been done to strengthen the pitom. Here is an extract from an article on wikipedia: "Many more pitoms are preserved today thanks to an auxin discovered by Dr. Eliezer E. Goldschmidt, formerly professor of horticulture at the Hebrew University. Working with the picloram hormone in a citrus orchard, he discovered, to his surprise, that some of the Valencia oranges found nearby had preserved perfect pitams. Citrus fruits, other than an etrog or citron hybrid like the bergamot, usually do not preserve their pitam. When they occasionally do, it would at least be dry, sunken and very fragile. In this case the pitams were all fresh and solid just like those of the Moroccan or Greek citron varieties. Experimenting with picloram in a laboratory, Goldschmidt eventually found the correct “dose” to achieve the desired effect: one droplet of the chemical in three million drops of water. This invention is highly appreciated by the religious Jewish community." See the full article at wikipedia.

Other than strengthening the pitom, it has been shown that some etrog species lose their pitom naturally while on the tree. Such etrogim are 100% kosher. The only issue is when the etrogim lose their pitom post harvest. Then the etrog would be not kosher. To read an interesting article on the history of pitomless etrogim click here and see page 20.

Now, both etrogim with pitom and those without are kosher, provided that the the pitom fell while on the tree. Which one is better? In halacha, we always look to try and do hidur mitzvah, to do the mitzvah in the best possible way. In this case choosing the best possible etrog. There is a disagreement among the poskim which is better but most hold that with a pitom is better. However, if you know that your young children or grandchildren will shake your lulav you may like I do, prefer an etrog without a pitom.

Wishing you all a very happy Sukkot, Moadim Lesimha!

Fasting on Yom Kippur and Medical Concerns

This coming Shabbat we have our holiest day of the year, the Shabbat of Shabbatot, Yom Kippur. This solemn day of atonement is a day when our sins of the past year are forgiven and we begin afresh with a blank slate. There are a number of things that we must be very careful of on Yom Kippur. The 5 no's of Yom Kippur are no eating and drinking, no leather shoes, no anointing, no bathing and no marital relations. The idea behind these restrictions are that all of those things represent our physical needs. On Kippur we are focusing on our spiritual side and almost trying to be like angels without any physical needs or desires whatsoever. 

Fasting has long been considered part of the atonement process and that this should never be taken lightly. Anyone with medical concerns should consult their doctor and rabbi before Yom Kippur to assess their situation. It is not appropriate to consider a person who eats because of medical necessity as a sinner.

It goes without saying that elderly men and women who have been told by their doctors that fasting on Kippur will cause adverse affects to their health are neither required nor permitted to fast (see Shulkhan Arukh O.H. 618). However, there are many of us who in different times of our lives have problems fasting. For example, pregnant women, nursing mothers and those with diabetes to name but a few. These people do not get a blanket exemption from fasting on Yom Kippur. Fasting isn't meant to be easy but at the same time we are not allowed to put our lives in danger (hence the exemption for extremely elderly and infirm people).

Many doctors recommend that pregnant women should never fast, but the studies as yet are inconclusive in providing proof that fasting causes any problems to the mother or child. Indeed, provided that the woman drinks plenty of water before the fast there should be no issues for a healthy woman. As such  a healthy pregnant woman must fast on Yom Kippur (See Shulkhan Arukh O.H. 617). However, a woman in a high risk pregnancy should consult with her doctor and discuss the situation with her rabbi. Nursing women are also obligated to fast and they should express extra milk before the fast to have available for their children. Staying well hydrated and being well prepared should ensure that the fast should pass without problems. Women who have recently given birth should consult a rabbi.


If a person takes a daily tablet(s) such as blood pressure medicine. It is permitted to take it on Yom Kippur but don't take it with water. Recently I was contacted about a person with diabetes, who assumed since he had been recently diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic he would have no choice but to eat on Yom kippur. The truth is that is simply not the case. Indeed there are many religious Jews who have diabetes and fast on Yom Kippur. For more information for those with diabetes about how to fast on Yom Kippur and those who just want to read the article please click here. 

There are situations where a person can be instructed by their rabbi to eat and drink very small amounts of food or drink with a timed space in between. What is known as eating in shiurim/measurements. If someone feels that they are in a situation where they cannot fast for health reasons please call or email me this week.

Tizku LeShanim Rabot and have a meaningful fast.

Why Are We Judged on Rosh Hashana

Rosh Hashana is the main name of the Jewish New Year. But why does our New Year need to have such serious themes like a day of judgment? Why can't it be a happy day? To answer this we must look at the other names of Rosh Hashana. They are Yom Teruah, Yom HaZikaron, Yom HaDin and Yom HaRat Olam. Each one of these days explains part of the many themes on this important day.

Rosh Hashana is the easy one to translate and explain it literally means head of the year. Yom Teruah is a day of Shofar blowing. (I will talk more about Shofar blowing next week). Yom HaZikaron means the day that we remember everything that God has done for us and he 'remembers' all of our actions. 

Yom HaDin means judgment day. Each year on Rosh Hashana, God judges us but why? To answer that we must translate and explain another of Rosh Hashana's names, Yom HaRat Olam. This name means the day that the world was birthed. This is not exactly accurate. According to Rabbinic tradition the world was created on the 25th Elul but it was on the first of Tishri, the 6th day of creation that Adam and Eve were created.

What happened on that first day? According to the Talmud (Masekhet Sanhedrin) all the events of Adam and Eve until their expulsion from the Garden of Eden took place on that first day. Lets talk through those steps. Adam was created. He is put in charge of the entire garden but God warned him not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Etz HaDa'at). Then Eve is created from Adam. Adam then tells Eve not even to touch the tree. The snake convinces Eve to eat from the Etz HaDa'at and she gives the fruit to Adam too. They both realize they are naked and they 'hide' from God. God calls out to them hoping that they will acknowledge what they did. Instead Adam blames Eve, and Eve blames the snake. God judges them and punishes the snake, Eve and Adam. From that day onward this day would always be the day that God judges the whole of mankind.

It isn't all doom and gloom because Hashem does not punish us completely. The punishment for eating from the tree should have been death. Instead God gave Adam and Eve a lesser punishment. To show to them that with sincere teshuva, we can return and attain the position we were at before we sinned. So therefore when God does judge us this year on Rosh Hashana our minds should be filled with thoughts that our beloved father and king is sitting in judgment like we do with our own children. We punish our children to help them correct a behavior. The judging itself brings no joy to God. He does it because he wants to bring us closer to him. Through this time of spiritual awakening, may we acknowledge that God is king and come closer to him.

Tizku LeShanim Rabot Neimot VeTovot

May we all merit many pleasant and good years ahead.